How to trust and be trustworthy
We all want to trust our loved ones and have them trust us back. It is a basic human need but trust can be built and destroyed with great ease.
Experts say that trust is associated with the completion of our needs and it’s there that the trust cycle comes in.
From a young age we were designed to live within trust. As babies our list of needs are long and all we can do to call attention to them is cry. That’s when an adult comes in and meets our needs (be they hunger, sleepiness, pain, cold and heat). The initial conflict is resolved and a feeling of wellbeing abounds. The cycle has been completed.
What was onced expressed through crying and tears now must turn into tangible words. In a respectful relationship each person is responsible for knowing what is going on inside them and finding the way of communicating it. Don’t expect others to read your mind and don’t assume that you know what the other person is going through. The golden rule must be: it's my job to talk about me and your job to talk about you. And both of our jobs are to respect what the other thinks, says and feels. A good tip for this is to use “I” statements: “I feel, I need, I ask for”.
However, as life goes on you'll notice that expressing your needs often puts you in a place of vulnerability and tension. It’s normal to feel nervous while expressing your needs, either because you don’t want to ruin the others’ expectations of you or you wish to avoid judgement. In this cycle many things can go wrong and produce pain and insecurity.
If I decide to satisfy others’ needs its important to do so with close attention and openness. And if I happen to make a promise I should keep it! If not, the good intentions behind my actions will be overshadowed by the dissolution of betrayal. Don’t promise things that you can’t or don’t want to keep. And if for some reason you won’t be able to deliver your promise on time it’s better to inform the other person so they can adjust their expectations.
It’s important to make sure our messaging is sincere and our tone is empathetic. Even if in the discussion we don’t hear what we want to, we should thank the other person por exposing their viewpoints with sincerity and subsequently the confidence between you both will grow. Creating a safe space happens when two or more people can express their needs freely and complete the cycle for and with each other. When the cycle is complete a feeling of euphoria takes place, and when the cycle breaks down it produces pain.
I build confidence when:
- I express my emotions, feelings and needs clearly and can turn them into requests.
- I keep my promises.
- I satisfy others’ needs.
I destroy confidence when:
- I don’t keep my promises.
- I lie or decieve.
- I don’t speak with sincerity.
We have been created so that our needs can be met by people whom we CAN’T control. It’s the other person’s free will which warms our heart, and our free will that warms that hears of others. Only then can we create and nurture the trust cycle. And the more we practice the greater our confidence will be when expressing our needs to others.